Ram Liberation (2024)
In April 2024, the ram mysteriously vanished from TMU's EngSoc office, only to appear in a series of photos alongside a posted ransom note on Instagram. The Ram was subsequently returned to TMU after the ransom was fulfilled. An article about the liberation was later published in the Toike Oike, with the first several paragraphs parodying the opening lines of If I Did It by OJ Simpson.
Steal This Toike Article[edit | edit source]
We’re going to tell you a story you’ve never heard before, because no one knows this story the way we know it. It takes place on the night of April 12, 2024, and it concerns the theft of ex-Ryerson’s ex-mascot, the Ram. We want you to forget everything you think you know about that night because we know the facts better than anyone. We know the players. We’ve seen the evidence. We’ve heard the theories. And, of course, we’ve read all the stories: That we did it. That we did it but we don't know we did it. That we can no longer tell fact from fiction. That we wake up in the middle of the night, consumed by guilt, screaming.
Man, they even had us wondering, What if we did it?
Well, sit back, people. The things we know, and the things we believe, you can't even imagine. And we’re going to share them with you. Because the story you know, or think you know—that's not the story. Not even close. This is one story the whole world got wrong.
And as we sit here now, trying to tell our story, we’re having a tough time knowing where to begin. Still, we’ve heard it said that all stories are basically love stories, and our story is no exception. This is a love story, too. And, like a lot of love stories, it begins with two people on a walk.
It was a beautiful Friday evening, and we were looking for a quiet stroll through downtown Toronto. This led us, predictably, to one of the few quiet areas of the downtown core: the Toronto Metropolitan University campus. Having participated in Bug Push 2024 only a few weeks prior, we had the beloved Bug on our minds. Seeking to visit her (and to take a bathroom break), we gained entry to the Kerr Hall hallway in which she had previously been parked, only to discover her absent. No matter; we were committed to having a good time. We walked around the basement, taking interest in the TMU design team projects and inspecting the dogshit welds on their concrete toboggan. On our way out, we stopped to have a normal conversation that was in no way filled with exposition.
“Do all TMU engineering students live in this basement?”
“Nah. Their EngSoc office is on the first floor. They keep the RAM in there, if you wanna see it.”
“The fuck is the RAM?”
“It’s like their cannon, except it’s a really big hammer so it’s hard to hide. They just keep it in the student government office and you can see it through the door.”
And so we ventured up a flight of stairs to peek at the TMU mascot through the small window in their student government office door.
“Do you see that pole with all the stickers, all the way at the back by the window? That’s the top of the RAM.”
“Dude, that’s such a bad place to keep that. You can probably see it from the street.”
“Yeah, I bet.”
“Oh my god, that window is open.”
At this point in the story, dear reader, we must remind you that we had nothing to do with the theft of the RAM. Breaking and entering is a crime, and we would never get involved with something like that. We did what any reasonable engineering student would do: headed home and went to bed, of course. And if we woke up the next day to the RAM in our living room, well, it’s a mystery to us how it got there. We didn’t do it.
But if we did it, here’s how it would’ve gone.
We would’ve assembled a small team composed primarily of those who can be counted on to make horrendous choices regarding their sleep schedules and excellent choices regarding operational security. We would’ve made sure not to break any infrastructure, to only take what we came for, and to follow the Pranker’s Code to our best ability. We would’ve gone in the open window and carried the RAM out the front doors of Kerr Hall with surprisingly little hassle. And, most importantly, we would’ve discovered that (despite TMU students’ claims) it is a shockingly-light 180 lbs.
When you think about it, stealing something that’s 180 lbs is pretty easy. All you need is two or more determined people, possibly some kind of dolly or cart, maybe a ladder, and a plan of action. Anyone could’ve done it. After all, pranking is for everyone. Anyone can be involved: your friends, your frosh leaders, members of your student government…maybe even your TAs. Maybe even you, dear reader! Anyone could’ve done it, anyone.
Except us, of course. We were asleep. We don’t know anything about it, and we wouldn’t tell you even if we did. Ask someone else! We had nothing to do with it.